Lessons from Kink about Power & Consent
NOTE: The reader should be advised that this articles contains graphic BDSM descriptions and artistic photographs of BDSM.
Let me begin with the disclosure that, for about 10 years, I have been active in learning about kink in varying degrees. This includes BDSM and fetish play. I would classify myself as well versed in the intricacies of these communities and the dynamics around how an individual person might engage with others in these different contexts. It is my assertion that mainstream America could learn a lot from the models that inform how some of these communities operate.
I started down this road because of the recent disclosures about Andrew Cuomo, governor of New York and also the disclosures about Marylin Manson and how he treated the women he was in relationships with. As I learned more about how both men—in these two cases—abused the power relationship, I couldn’t help but think that our ability to speak more openly and honestly about sex and to embrace many of the models and guidelines provided for healthy and positive explorations of kink, might benefit everyone and reduce the potential for things like this to happen. Specifically, by establishing guidelines that help everyone be on the same page about the rules, definitions, and what’s in-bounds or inappropriate. Most importantly, rules and guidelines help us to “call bullshit” when someone tries to disregard the rules or manipulate them to their own advantage.
When a group of people end up at a public park around a basketball hoop and decide to play a game together, there are a set of rules that are understood. These are derived from professional and amateur basketball programs. When someone violates the rules to try to score, it is easy for the others to hold that person accountable to the rules because everyone on the court has a common understanding of what they are and what cheating looks like.
I suggest that if everyone were operating under a similar set of rules in the dynamics of human interaction related to romantic and sexual behaviors, it becomes much easier for all of us to identify what’s appropriate and not appropriate. There will always be someone who tries to violate the rules. However, like the games of basketball at the local park, those people end up ostracized and no longer invited to play when they repeatedly violate the rules. When the rules are commonly understood, it is easy to recognize and callout the violation immediately. Before things progress to a level that becomes disruptive or, worse, destructive.
We need to begin talking about and creating a common set of ground rules the determine human interaction as it relates to romantic and sexual desire for one another. That’s where kink comes in. They already exist and are an excellent model for us to use.
What is kink?
Image courtesy of the Femme Project
If you are not familiar with the term, it is a broad term used to describe an array of activities that explore different interests that a person might have. Generally speaking, this is confined to an area of exploration related to sex and sexuality. However, some kink can definitely be non-sexual in nature. BDSM is also a broad term that refers to a spectrum of activities involving bondage, dominance, submission, discipline, sadism, and masochism. You can read all about it here.
Within kink—more specifically the practice of BDSM—there is the notion of Power Exchange. This comes in many forms, but basically the idea is that one participant holds power over another participant over the course of their interaction. This is a type of interaction that often can be transformative for the individuals involved and, if being practiced correctly, comes with the establishment of guidelines and clear consent to what both parties are agreeing to engage in. In a power exchange “scene” (A scene is a term used to describe an interaction that happens over a defined period of time, usually no more than a few hours), the submissive participant may consent to being restrained with rope or restraints, but may not consent to any type of impact play (impact play is defined as some type of “impact” on one participant by another participant—such as using a crop, whip, flogger, bare hand, or paddle to strike the participant on parts of the participant’s body). Safe kink play believes, rightly so, in the importance that consent is never implied and must be carefully mapped out prior to the start of any activity between the two participants. A participant may agree to being forced to perform oral sex on another participant, but that does not imply that they are willing to also have vaginal or anal intercourse. Consent must always be explicit, and must be freely given.
Consent—within kink—is the bedrock element of all interactions. This is not to say that everyone follows the rules, some don’t. Safe and healthy kink is practiced with all parties understanding what consent means, how to give it, and—perhaps most importantly—how to take it back. Alcohol, drugs, emotional duress, and other factors may contribute to a person’s inability to be providing clear consent. Therefore, it is the responsibility of both participants to be sure that consent is being freely given, and that what is being consented to is clearly defined. When it comes to power relationships—where one participant is in control of the interaction—there are ways for the participant, who is not in control, to exercise their right to stop, or slow down the interaction. Most people have heard of “safe words,” which are a form of giving control to the participant who doesn’t have power.
The Power Dynamic & Consent
Thankfully, we have laws against sexual harassment in the workplace, but we also know that statistics show that the majority of people meet romantic and sexual partners in their work environments. Boss/subordinate romantic and sexual relationships still happen and many become the basis of long-term romantic and sexual relationships. When the power dynamic is unequal, which is to say that one of the individuals has less power than another, then it is critically important for both of those individuals to accept, and perhaps point out, the unequal power dynamic long before there is even a hint of possibly exploring a romantic or sexual dynamic. Many participants in kink acknowledge their preferred and acceptable roles within minutes of meeting, for the first time, someone they may interact with.
In the mainstream world, the immediate recognition of power can be a very healthy way to help everyone be on the same page about what constitutes playing by the rules and what is unhealthy. For example, any situation where someone has direct supervisory responsibility or is responsible for supervising the reporting chain in which their potential object of desire operates in, would be considered a completely unequal power dynamic. Thus, the notion of “consent” in this dynamic becomes questionable. I would argue that the same notion applies to someone who might not be in the same reporting chain, but is very junior to the other party in terms of status and influence in their organization.
Image courtesy of the Femme Project
In modern society, power comes in many forms. Wealth, fame, attractiveness, level of intoxication, and status often come with some degree of power in the context of romantic and sexual relationships. We don’t often acknowledge this and it leads to a number of unintended, and very negative, outcomes. First, those in power don’t recognize that the power they have must also come with a level of responsibility. If everyone had a common understanding of this, the social pressure of both recognizing and behaving in a responsible manner would be greater. As it stands, many don’t. When someone lacks this understanding, they often become entitled. Something that can be destructive and dangerous in both romantic and sexual relationships. The second negative outcome is that those without power can often feel intimidated by those with power and are afraid to exercise their rights of self-determination. It makes it harder to say no when the person in power has decided to believe consent is implied.
If we accept that power plays a role in determining the standard for which we judge consent, then the bar should always be the highest in situations where the power dynamic is unequal. I would argue that the greater disparity in power, the greater the burden.
If we agree that power and consent go hand-in-hand it becomes easy to establish some basic rules or guidelines that we can generally agree upon. First, consent is always required. We already acknowledge what consent is legally, and who can and cannot provide consent. For example, if someone is intoxicated or underage, they are not able to provide explicit consent when it comes to sexual activity. Second, consent is influenced by power. If someone is in a position of power over another, that person must be held to a higher standard when it comes to something as simple as touching, kissing, making suggestive comments, or expressing romantic or sexual desire for another person.
The Rock Star and the Governor
So let’s turn our attention to Marilyn Manson and Andrew Cuomo. In the case of Marilyn Manson, the reports are, quite simply, that he engaged in repeatedly abusive behavior with women he “dated” and used kink, more specifically BDSM, as a smoke screen for excusing his behavior. In all of the cases, he was a rock star when he met the women and started dating. He had power over every one of his victims. Many abusive situations last far longer than they should because the abuser has power over the victim. If we learn to identify the power dynamic, something that the members of kink communities do up front, it helps us to understand the decisions people make, to recognize the inequality in the power dynamic, and to hold those with power to a greater standard.
In the case of Governor Cuomo, we have a similar dynamic at play with regard to the accusations made by an aide who worked in the reporting chain of his office. In this situation, the standard that we use to judge the governor, should be very high. If sustained, this would be grounds for his removal from office. Something the governor, himself, should already know and understand. If we cannot trust someone in power to conduct themselves appropriately with those individuals that they have almost absolute power over, then maybe they shouldn’t have any power at all.
In the governor’s case, I think the more telling and interesting aspect to the claims against him is the one made by Anna Ruch and supported by documentary evidence. The article in the New York Times states that Ms. Ruch didn’t know Governor Cuomo before he, “put his hand on Ms. Ruch’s bare lower back,” and “placed his hands on her cheeks,” before asking, “if he could kiss her.” The photograph pictured in the article clearly shows him holding her head in both hands. If we apply our consent and power model to this dynamic we see a huge failure on the part of the governor. First, in his inability to understand his power over the woman as a sitting governor of the fourth largest state in the country (by population). Second, by his complete and total failure to gain consent from the individual before placing his hands on her. The image, as shown in the article, clearly demonstrates a level of intimacy that would be inappropriate for one person to do to another—that he/she had never met before that moment—without explicit consent. Something that everyone in the room, had they been versed on the rules, would be quick to point out.
Going back to my analogy of the pick-up basketball game in the public park. If we want to be a part of the game, we already have an implicit understanding of the ground rules that govern fair play in that situation. When we violate those rules, the others are usually quick to point out the violation. If there is argument about the rules, we can always have a discussion and make a judgment. In the real world, we don’t talk enough about sex and sexuality creating an environment that enables people, particularly those that feel entitled or use their power to abuse others, to exploit situations to their advantage. Power and consent are well defined in the world of kink. If we begin to socialize that model to everyone, maybe someone with power will think twice about conducting himself/herself in an inappropriate way. And, if they don’t, maybe the rest of us can quickly call them out on it before things go too far and irreparable harm is done to the person who lacks power.
I, for one, would rather live in that world.
-M
This essay represents the opinion of the writer and should be considered as such. Any thoughts or statements about persons real or imagined are opinions.
Copyright © 2021 - Malcolm Bolivar. All Rights Reserved.